Infiniti JX Gets Full Marks for Brakes

By Wade Ozeroff

I’ll grant you that it isn’t very scientific; my friends, but is my practice to give any car that prevents me from hitting another car, or an animal, full marks for brake performance.

My methods wouldn’t stand up to scrutiny, of course. I employ no protractors or slide-rules; and I don’t measure stopping distances because I don’t have a stopping-distance-o-meter*

Nevertheless, I am awarding Infiniti’s JX vehicle a full 10 out of 10 for the way it prevented some Loser and it’s hapless passenger from being seriously hurt when they pulled out of my JX from behind a wall of vehicles in what could easily have become the worst decision she had ever made; in a life that has almost certainly been hallmarked by bad decision-making.

It would have been bad, too. The JX is a big vehicle, with the grill at about eye-level to the gasping passenger in the late-model Escort or what ever it was. The speed limit on that road is 60 km/h and I was doing all sixty of them when the Losermobile suddenly wheeled out in front of me from behind a wall of stopped traffic as people waited to left-turn into a shopping center parking lot.

I hopped full-force onto the brakes and the JX nose-dived sharply with tires screeching, and I looked into the terrified face of the passenger in the car, who really would have been the real loser if the event had unfolded any differently. That poor, frightened little fella would have been the “T” in T-bone, and I hope his organ-donor card is up to date if he’s going to keep riding with anyone as stupid as the driver of the Losermobile.

Anyway, the point here is the JX pulled it off, and despite being pushed into a full-on life-threatening situation, the four-wheel discs brought the ute to a full stop without a hitch, from 60 kmh to zero.

The entire situation was hopefully very useful to the driver of the Losermobile as well, as it also allowed me to demonstrate for them the Infiniti’s horn, for about ten seconds straight. Unfortunately, the vehicle’s horn doesn’t have enough decibels.

When I have to lay on the smarten-up button for the benefit of some jerkhole (because I am all about helping others, you see), I want it to be loud enough to actually change their brain structure, and make them into a Smart Person**, like you or me.

And so it is that the Infiniti’s brakes get full points from me; here at the Wade Ozeroff School of Impromptu Emergency Handling Demonstrations™.

Other successful participants in this academy have been the Porsche Cayenne and a base-model Hyundai Accent that prevented me from hitting a deer.

*I had a stopping-distance-o-meter, but my powerful and cruel editors took it away, as they felt I was using it for ‘immoral purposes’.

** This is wishful thinking. Anyone so stupid they would make a blind left-hand turn across three lanes of traffic cannot be fixed by something as simple as a car horn, and the incredible torrent of foul language I unloaded at them.