Weird floating dog endorses new-look Ford Escape

by Wade Ozeroff

This rare, Hovering Golden Retriever brings its implied family values and inherent wholesomeness to the 2013 Ford Escape:

Oh, for gawd's sake people, the dog is fine. Quit worrying about it.

My vehicle scientists and I bred him especially for this photo – his bones are mostly made of helium. Unfortunately, the animal had to be destroyed after the picture was taken, as the AKC said its existence was a crime against Gawd and Nature.

Don’t worry, though, it was totally humane; we simply released the dog – named ‘Heliummy’, in a burst of the inspired originality for which my vehicle scientists and I are known – into a stiff breeze and he floated away.

Arooo“, he said, wistfully, before being sucked into the engine of a low-flying jet.